I’ve been trying to deal with this stuff the best I can. It’s really hard. I’m trying to move on (I’m working on 2 girls, NEITHER of which will return my calls), but at the same time, I don’t REALLY want to. I still love Deanna. She’s the mother of my child for Christ’s sake. Today (well, Saturday, you know what I mean) when I brought Matt back to her (I had him overnight Friday! YAY!!!) I went upstairs to set up her printer (which we couldn’t do - it was missing a cable that was CLEARLY labeled missing on the box, but the woman who got it for her didn’t bother to procure for her). She came up, changed her clothes in front of me, but then the kicker… shortly before I was leaving, I went to give her a hug (don’t ask me why), and it seemed she hugged me even harder back. I couldn’t help but to say “I love you” and… she said it back. I’m so confused…

I SO want this to mean something, but I don’t dare get my hopes up. She says she’s breaking up with her current boyfriend (THANK GOD, if you knew what I know about him…) but she doesn’t say she’s coming back… so we’ll see what happens. At least she still has feelings for me.

I’ve been working out, and you know what? Below my fat, I really like my body. It has a real nice muscle structure. I can’t wait to get it a little more defined. Work work work, drink drink drink (water)!

Speaking of work, I also hope I can find work soon, because money is running out fast, and the painting job that I thought I had never really materialized.

Anyway, I’ll write again as soon as something turns up, but don’t hold your breath if you want tech news and views. My family life is all I can think about (part of, not the only part, but part of the reason I want Deanna back is so I can have my son full time again).

Thanks for reading, if there are any still out there (feel free to comment so I can know if ANYONE is still reading). Sorry I’ve not been more prolific.

A lot of things have happened sense last we spoke. As you all know, my folks house burned down. Well, a day afterward, Deanna told me we were taking a break from each other. One week later, she broke up with me (after meeting another guy, and lots of other things that I won’t get into here). And sense then, I’ve just been so deep in depression that I couldn’t really speak to anyone here, this place of reverence for her. It… was hard to go on, sometimes the only things keeping me going were our son, Matt, and the hope (vain prayer, by now) that she’ll one day grow up and come back.

But, life goes on, things still keep going, and I need to move on (either temporarily, or permanently). It’s just hard… she left me so suddenly. I really had thought that I didn’t have to worry about losing her… but then one day… she was gone. But not smoothly. She kept sending mixed signals. Calling me when her current boyfriend hurt her (almost every week), still kissing sometimes, still with the love. That’s all stopped, she said I make her feel too sorry for me (as if I’m the one who did something wrong). I… well, if she ever gets her own head straightened out, I’d take her back in an instant, even after all she’s done to me (just trust me, a lot over the last 6 months).

The worst part of all this, is our little boy. I see him more then most other separated fathers get to see their kids, but I didn’t do anything wrong! 3 hours a day, 2 days a week. Then overnight for one or two days (alternating weeks). He’s so happy when we’re together, too. I feel so bad for little Matt. I just wish she’d at least TRY to work this out. But she want’s to be “A Kid” and do stuff teens do, up ’till the last few months I was the only guy she’d ever been with. But I just wish she’d give us a chance. We had such a bright future. We were getting married! WE’D JUST BOUGHT A FREAKIN’ HOUSE!!!

I just wish she’d give us another chance. I still love her, and I’m afraid that even if she never comes back, I always will…